deistarchocokat

You'll never read this.
You'll never know how I really feel.
You've talked so high and mighty before and still do even though you are completely wrong. You think there are no consequences for the things you do and try to pretend that things can go back to normal. I don't talk with you anymore because of everything you did and your self entitled attitude.
You didn't raise me and the things you've done to me only made me resent you even more than before. Stop telling me that I need to listen to you I don't owe you anything. You're words don't mean anything to me anymore because you don't know how to live by what you say.
Stop leeching off my life and get your own.
I can't say this to you because of how you are. You're welcome.

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The worse thing you could do is nothing. I tried telling you that there is somethin wrong and that simple answers aren't fixing it. Denying that there is something wrong and ignoring me doesn't make it all go away. You just don't get it, maybe this is why we aren't meant to be. Maybe this works better if we're not together. Are you tired of trying? Are you? I think I am, but you haven't stepped up and done anything. Maybe we really are too different, we want different things and we don't want to sacrifice what we want....I don't know anymore.

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Maybe it's my monthly but seriously do not call me a fucking million times because someone you know is stayin here BUT you don't know where they are and according to me they've checked out. If they call and say they're leaving it's called checked out!
Had a stupid woman call and ask about taxis at the amtrack. Why the eff call me? Seriously call the Amtrack station and ask them. The fact that her email tells me how many kids she has is disgusting . Really don't need to know that you've been allowed to mother five children.
And you're right asshole that I'm not the weather channel. But you're asking me anyway, wow you fit the bill moron. The fact that you're asking me the weather AND the road conditons is really stupid. I am at a hotel my place of work, I have other stuff that I am working on. Don't ask stupid questions, put on your pull ups and get shit done yourself. Jerk!

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So I'm at work. I feel like I have to teach manners. Why the heck is it my problem if you decide to come unprepared? You want to be spontaneous, fine but don't get upset that we dont have it. People that took time to plan usually get what they want. Beggars can'tbe choosers.
Or why take the pen out of my hand while I am explaining something to you? I'll quit and leave you to do what you want. Don't look at me and ask what you need to do I was explaining and your rudeness is not appreciated.
Grrr no love!!!

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 I heard from Cale...
I don't know how to feel about it.  I don't even know why it's bothering me so much.  I'm actually more irritated than anything that he's calling now.  
There's so much shit that I want to tell him about EVERYTHING that he's done. 
And mostly how I was affected by it all. 
I erased my phone log for that day because I just didn't know what else to do. 
I didn't want the temptation there to call. 
I think he'c caught up in wanting to be with something that he can't have. 
I love my boyfriend Dominic with all my heart.  
I couldn't think of putting him through anything like that.  
I was honest, I told him about my bf.
I didn't tell him how I felt about it. 
I did the right thing, the thing that bothers me is that he called. 
I gave him my number and he called. 
I put myself in a situation that I didn't want to be in. 
It's my fault I made the mistake.
I wouldn't mind having him as a friend but I think he wants something completely different and that's not what I'm looking for. 
I already have an AMAZING boyfriend, he loves me.  
He tells me that he loves me. 
We've had our ups and downs but through it all it's always been just him and me. 
I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering though. 
I want to close this book calledl Cale and move on with my love. 
I just dn't nkow if that's really what I want. 
If I'm thinking about it or bothered maybe its' for a reason. 
I don't know I'm confused. 

 Wow it feels good to be on summer vacation and not have to worry about school for a couple months.  The week so far is eventful, we have graduation coming up and for once we are PREPARED!  YaY  just about two people working each shift or at least one person working a mid shift I love it!  
So I'm here today with no maintenance, yay one small step for me.  I'm glad that nothing really big has happened.  

So anywho this is a random collection over the past two days. 

Tuesday morning was funny, when I walked in our Night Auditor told me that I 'get to deal with all the French people that are in house'.  I didn't care too much since I'm used to dealing with random people that don't speak english.  But o-my-gosh!  Really it was like a flock of seagulls during breakfast all telling me the same thing.  Remember Nemo?  Instead of 'mine, mine mine' it was 'bread, bread, bread'.  The stupid thing, the ONE person in their group that does speak English isn't explaining that someone is refilling the items.  
It was funny watching them follow my breakfast girl around, but I felt bad for her.  They were literally expecting her to pull things out of her ass for them. 

Lady #234 my goodness you are the rotten apple of the bunch!  Accusing the hotel that you're staying at for booking you a room through a third party website is far fetched.  We don't have access to do anything like that and besides we just receive the reservations they put through to us.  Telling me that I purposely did it when I wasn't here yesterday doesn't help your case either.  

I got a phone call from a woman telling me that she doesn't work for the government but other people in her family do.  But she wants the government rate.  So i tell her, "Well if the person that has the government I.D. is here at check in no worries it's simple they just need to show us theirs, BUT if there is no I.D. at check in you we can't give you the government rate."  So fairly straightforward right and generous I might add since usually it's supposed to be the person w/ the government rate has to be the one paying for the room, etc.  Well apparently me telling her this little speil meant that I was being rude to her.  WTF?  Ok so let me be an actual bitch about it 'no I.D. no rate'.  The fact that you tell me that it's my 'job' to give the government rate is bullshit.  If you don't work for the government or the people that have the card claim to not have any i.d. showing they work for the government why should I give you the government rate?  Stupid thing is she called 5 minutes later saying that she's 'the sister' bitch please I'd recognize you're voice anywhere I think I'll just change my mind and not give you the government rate at all. 

My GM is utterly spineless.  The thing is most of the time she will pretend to have one.  

 I feel like I can't trust my boyfriend because he cheated and it's not even an issue anymore.  I believe him when he tells me that he's not going to cheat on me ever again.  But it's trusting him again that really sucks.  It's soooo hard, to give your heart back out again especially after so much.  It's been almost four years and I can't see to get over the pain.  
My insecurities suck ass.
 There are feeling that were never there and there are pains I never knew.  
I don't recognize the person I am today. 
I hear the nonsense that comes out of my mouth.
I feel insecure and for what? 
I have someone that loves me. 
He tells me so everyday. 
It feels so right to be with him.
It's when I'm not next to him there's no trust. 
I no longer recognize this woman. 
She's so insecure, scared, and hurt.

Tonight was somewhat fun, a little boring but good.  My boyfriend and I went to the NAU Geology Banquet, it was pretty ok.  Long but ok.  I wanted to come home earlier to rest but we got back at like 9:30 and I had to be here at 11pm.  *sigh* I really don't like these Night Audit shifts anymore, they're starting to really mess with me.  I miss my bf haven't been able to spend a whole weekend with him so this is a treat even with everything that's going on.  But I definitely would rather be anywhere he is than here at work.  :((

 I've noticed that I can fix problems that other's have but when it comes to me it's a complete mystery. I wish that I knew exactly what to do. Everything right now is screaming to me why I should even be in a relationship. I feel inadequate 75% of the time that I'm with him. Him being someone that loves me, cares about me, and wants to make me happy. I'm holding onto guilt when I should be embracing life. It's my own demon and it's m biggest flaw because I forgive and forget when it comes to others and never forgive and never forget with myself. Am I the 'emotional terrorist'? He seems to throw that out every time he gets stuck in an argument with me. The questions I have go unanswered the things that I say are twisted until they are no longer what I wanted to say. He wants proof and then turns it around when he gets it then I'm bringing up things that happen in the past. To him this isn't a rut, it's just my problem. He isolated himself from me and now we're drifting farther and farther apart. So now I'm asking myself what's the point? The more I try the more he resists, there's no point to it anymore.  

 I'm tired, I feel like I didn't get enough sleep.  Waiting for class to start, my ear hurts feel like I'm getting sick.  I don't like doing both school & work but what's the option?  Don't do anything?  mmmnah too easy right.